Do you remember what you wanted to be “when you grew up”? There’s a scene in one of my favorite movies, that this question feels really relevant to. If you’ve seen the movie I’m talking about, Mr. Deeds, you may know which scene I’m referring to, and if you haven’t here’s a link below. Even if you have re-watch it again!
Did you watch the video? If you did, and you’re still interested in what I may say next kudos to you because I don’t even know where I’m going with this.
I’m twenty-one years old. I’ve been working since I was sixteen in some sort of customer service related job. Shortly after high school I started my first blog, and up until this year I had never gained any sort of following. My friends, and family didn’t even read what I wrote about. Most of what you’ll see across the rest of my website is depressing poetry and scrambled thoughts. Now when I was a kid, I didn’t want to write a blog, and I sure as hell didn’t want to work in retail. But, I also didn’t ever make up my mind about what I wanted to do.
The first time I ever really thought I knew what I wanted to do with my life, I wanted to be a lawyer. I’ve always valued this career so much because of one man. I don’t remember his name or our conversation, but what I do remember is sitting outside of a court room, and him telling me before he walked away that everything was going to be alright. I was supposed to go on the stand and testify against someone who hurt me physically, emotionally, and mentally. And, all I knew that day is what my Mom told me. She said, that man, the lawyer, broke the rules and risked his job to make sure I wouldn’t have to go in that court room where the person who hurt me was, and tell everyone what had happened like I had repeated to what felt like a trillion counselors, and state employed people already prior to this day. After that day I told everyone I wanted to be a district attorney, but I never told anyone why. At ten years old that prosecutor was my hero.
After that I changed my mind a few more times; I started having this gut feeling inside me that I could change the world. At one point I wanted to be a musician, that was after I got my first iPod from my Dad, a hand me down with all of his songs already uploaded.
In middle school I wanted to be a dancer, and the dream was Juliard.
But, by the time I was in high school I lacked identity, and was motivated by popularity, and boys. It wasn’t until Junior year of high school my motivation was re-sparked by the 2012 election. President Obama gave me hope. I believed in myself again, how I did when I was a kid. I wanted to be a politician. Through my speech & debate, and AVID classes that political interest changed to political journalism. Then there was the art side pulling me back. I took two art classes at the end of my senior year, and I fell in love with painting, so it shouldn’t surprise you that during my first semester of college I took six art classes, and painting is what I pursued.
I think I was always meant to write. I always did. I had new journals all the time, and into adulthood the only thing that’s changed is their permanence through the internet, and the ability to share what’s on my mind with others.
Here’s the thing with me. I know exactly who I am. I have the capacity to do amazing things. But, I’m stubborn, and impatient, and in need of constant instant gratification in all of my endeavors. My dreams and goals have been adapted based on the strife it takes to accomplish them. What I’m trying to say is; I have no fear that money will change my course or path to success like the successful selfish people in Mr.Deeds. That’s also what worries me. I am so full of myself, and my ability to get where I want without any traditional outlets that I’m okay with struggling more to get there. In my twisted brain that’s my way to the power to make a difference. Being different enough to wow. It might not seem like I know what I want, but it’s just that what I want isn’t traditional. I want people to hear my story, and be struck with disbelief. I want to be a hero that is not a disappointment to meet.
I don’t want to be the lawyer. I want to be like the man under the lawyer.
I want to write, and I want my words to instill hope into people like me that don’t have defined dreams anymore. Those kids that always knew they’d make a difference, and with every passing day lose faith in that possibility. You matter, you will make a difference. My advice to myself and all of you is to think of every choice you make in your life with the ten year old you in mind.